English - From Clueless to Fluent

Welcome to “Speak-O-Rama” English Course at NothingUniversity

Course Title: “From Clueless to Fluent (Sort of)”
Subtitle: “English for the Bold, the Brave, and the Bored”

Course Objectives:

1. Learn to speak English without confusing “dessert” with “desert.”
2. Decode the secret language of emojis and text abbreviations.
3. Survive awkward small talk with strangers.
4. Write emails that don’t make your boss cry (too much).

Module 1: Basics or Bust

Week 1: The Art of Saying “Hello” Without Sounding Weird

• Master greetings from “Hey!” to “What’s up?”
• Roleplay scenarios: Greeting a neighbor vs. a hungry raccoon (yes, there’s a difference).

Week 2: Surviving Small Talk Without Dying Inside

• Perfect answers to “How are you?” that go beyond “Fine, thanks.”
• Practice deep, meaningful conversations like, “Is it going to rain today?”

Module 2: Grammar Gymnastics

Week 3: Comma Chameleons

• Learn where commas go (and where they shouldn’t).
• Special segment: Avoiding tragic misunderstandings like “Let’s eat, Grandma” vs. “Let’s eat Grandma.”

Week 4: Verb Tenses: Because Time Is Real

• Past, Present, Future: How to talk about last weekend, right now, and your inevitable doom.

Module 3: Real-World English

Week 5: Shopping Survival Guide

• How to ask “Where’s the sale rack?” without crying over your receipt.
• Decode cashiers’ cryptic phrases like, “Do you want the receipt emailed or printed?”

Week 6: Restaurant Roulette

• Practice ordering food confidently (even if you have no clue what “quinoa” is).
• Roleplay being polite when your soup arrives cold.

Module 4: Advanced (a.k.a. You’re Getting Fancy)

Week 7: Mastering Sarcasm (Optional but Fun)

• Say things like, “Oh, sure, I LOVE traffic” and actually mean the opposite.
• Understand when someone says, “Nice weather we’re having,” in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Week 8: Business Buzzwords 101

• Learn office favorites like “circle back,” “low-hanging fruit,” and “let’s take this offline.”
• Warning: Do not overuse “synergy.”

Bonus Section: English in Crisis Situations

• What to say when someone steps on your foot: “No problem!” instead of “Prepare for battle.”
• Handling awkward silences with random facts like, “Did you know dolphins sleep with one eye open?”

Final Exam:

Survive a simulated cocktail party where you:

1. Introduce yourself without spilling your drink.
2. Discuss the weather like a pro.
3. Leave the conversation gracefully (with or without pretending you got a text).

Graduation Title: Certified English Champion (or at least Not a Complete Disaster)

Congratulations! By the end of this course, you’ll speak English like a native… well, like a native who’s a little quirky, but that’s part of your charm! 🎉